i've got soul...

Update:
Be The Best You Can Be. A Career In The Army. My next vocation: Infantry Leader. That's what I'll be. A sergeant. After six months of training. Six more months of crap and digging trenches and living in the jungle and other equally stimulating activities. And then to have new recruits going, "Yes, sergeant!" and "No, sergeant!" for the rest of my short life in the military.

Hmm... okay. This better be worth it.

we'll see

I hate that phrase. Literally means: "You can hope, but don't bet on it." I hate it. Right up there with 'who knows' as one of the many phrases in the English language that I hate. Whoever improvised the English language to include such throwaway lines in our speech patterns must never have thought about what the words would imply, or what it would bring. The hang ups, the anxieties, the hope against hope, the hubris, the disappointment.

It means I can't be with who I want to be with. It means I can't do what I want to do. It means I have to give up a lot of things. It means nothing really happens, and when something does happen, it's not what you were hoping to have happened.

I need more 'Yes' and 'No' in my life. This or that, one or the other. As it is, I'm usually stuck in limbo, in the gray areas of somewhere in between. When you can't tell if it's night-time yet, but it surely isn't day-time anymore, that's where I am mostly.

In other news, where I'm going next will be posted to me soon. We'll see (hah, there it is again!) how far I can get in my army career. If you can call it that. I get paid for doing what they tell me to do; that's something like a job, right? I hope everyone I care about everywhere around the world is doing okay.

A thought just occurred to me. I really shouldn't feel down about anything relating to myself. Not only is it a waste of space in both the heart and mind, but I'm not even sure if I have the right to, all things considered. Next time I'm wallowing in self-pity, all I have to think about is some kid in China, or India, or South America, or Africa plying his or her trade in a grimy, old, dilapidated sweatshop in 12-hour shifts for thirty cents an hour, dreaming big about life if only their parents could afford to pay for their education.

Maybe that'll wake me up. We'll see.

PLAYLIST

Never There -- Cake

Lucky You -- Deftones

Too Much Too Soon -- Green Day

New Girl -- Third Eye Blind

Ex-Girlfriend -- No Doubt

*

gone too soon

I came close to meeting him once (okay, not really that close, but it would have been possible), at which point I would have offered my services at zoo keeping if only to work with someone who had so much love for God's creatures, big and small. And I know someone who will be deeply affected by the news (I'm sure he's in a better place, Jezs, taking care of animals like he always does). Sad to see you go, Steve. And here I thought you always had more than just nine lives.

feeling cagey

So much for remaining anonymous. Now just about everyone I know knows who I am. Which is just as well; point your telescope far and wide enough and you're sure to find a telescope pointing back at you. I thought maybe I could spy on all of you without being spotted. *snigger snigger, snort snort* Seems I underestimated the power of the Internet, or the intellect of its users. Well, it was fun while it lasted. I'll try my best to keep this blog as raw and real as possible, but I can't promise anything. Nyeh nyeh nyeh.

Finishing about three months of basic military training -- wonder where I'll be posted to after that. Wait-and-see situation, mostly. I guess I tried my best, but it feels like I'm beginning to slack off now. Bad, bad! Just when I'm becoming a hot bod again... Bad, bad! Must... put... Oreos back... where... they came... from...

For someone who just had his girlfriend move halfway across the world, I may seem to be in good enough cheer. Not that I relish being single or anything, don't get me wrong. It's just that I don't seem to be feeling as down as I expected. Who knows why. Maybe I have a lot of faith in us going the distance. Maybe I am more in control of my emotions. Maybe I stopped being so depressed all the time somewhere along the way. Maybe we're missing each other so much there's no time for stupid luxuries like fighting every twenty minutes. And I miss you, babe. Tremendously.

All in all, a pretty good start to whatever lies ahead. It could be a temporary state of mind, I'm not sure. The calm before a storm? I hope not. I have built a great many things in life which have disintegrated into nothing right before my eyes and sometimes when I wasn't looking; let's pray that God spares me a thought and, maybe, if He doesn't mind (and even though I know I don't deserve it), some mercy as well.

PLAYLIST

Chasing Cars -- Snow Patrol

Shadow Stabbing -- Cake

Lonely Day -- System Of A Down

New Slang -- The Shins

Across The Universe -- Fiona Apple

*