we'll see

I hate that phrase. Literally means: "You can hope, but don't bet on it." I hate it. Right up there with 'who knows' as one of the many phrases in the English language that I hate. Whoever improvised the English language to include such throwaway lines in our speech patterns must never have thought about what the words would imply, or what it would bring. The hang ups, the anxieties, the hope against hope, the hubris, the disappointment.

It means I can't be with who I want to be with. It means I can't do what I want to do. It means I have to give up a lot of things. It means nothing really happens, and when something does happen, it's not what you were hoping to have happened.

I need more 'Yes' and 'No' in my life. This or that, one or the other. As it is, I'm usually stuck in limbo, in the gray areas of somewhere in between. When you can't tell if it's night-time yet, but it surely isn't day-time anymore, that's where I am mostly.

In other news, where I'm going next will be posted to me soon. We'll see (hah, there it is again!) how far I can get in my army career. If you can call it that. I get paid for doing what they tell me to do; that's something like a job, right? I hope everyone I care about everywhere around the world is doing okay.

A thought just occurred to me. I really shouldn't feel down about anything relating to myself. Not only is it a waste of space in both the heart and mind, but I'm not even sure if I have the right to, all things considered. Next time I'm wallowing in self-pity, all I have to think about is some kid in China, or India, or South America, or Africa plying his or her trade in a grimy, old, dilapidated sweatshop in 12-hour shifts for thirty cents an hour, dreaming big about life if only their parents could afford to pay for their education.

Maybe that'll wake me up. We'll see.

PLAYLIST

Never There -- Cake

Lucky You -- Deftones

Too Much Too Soon -- Green Day

New Girl -- Third Eye Blind

Ex-Girlfriend -- No Doubt

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