state of the union

Ladies and gentlemen, the state of the union is a mess. Let's make it messier.

[Applause! Applause!]

Thank you. Let's see... first on the agenda: America is addicted to oil. Yee-haw! Hot-diggity-dang, look at the smirk on my face! My vice-president is rich because we are addicted to oil! We're in a war because we are addicted to oil! Your children are dying, our lungs are blackening, the world is choking on pollution; all because we are addicted to oil!

And we're damned proud of our SUVs! We're damned proud of our wasteful attitude! We're damned proud of our soldiers dying for oil! Hell, that is the American Way of Life! Freedom (for ourselves), liberty (for all whom we force it upon), and the pursuit of happiness for oil!

[Applause! Applause!]

But let me pay lip-service to clean, renewable energy. We cannot depend on unstable regions around the world to provide us the energy that our insa-- insta-- insatitia-- insatiable appetite requires. We need to increase spending in our search for sustainable energy sources. Although we are really cutting down on such needlessly excessive spending, my speech writers will make it look like we are actually increasing it! And so I believe we are at the threshold of realizing technologies that will bring about unlimited, renewable, sustainable energy for the future of America. And that is a job for the next President in line. Cheney, baby -- *wink wink* -- I'm looking at you.

[Applause! Applause!]

We will never surrender to evil! Pre-emptive strikes on third world countries is key! We will invade their countries and terrorize their neighborhoods! We will bring the war to their doorstep and open the floodgates of hell so there will be more terrorists for us to shoot at! We will prolong this offensive in Iraq for as long as it is politically-beneficial! Not to mention the oil! We will act boldly in freedom's cause! And we will call it 'Operation: Iraqi Freedom'!

[Applause! Applause!]

We will remain vigilant on the offensive against terrorism at home! We will invade your privacy, we will listen in on your conversations, we will track the websites you visit, and we will do this to whoever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want! If you speak to people of middle-eastern origin, the terrorists have won! If you like pornography, the terrorists have won! It is inevitable. Inevitable! Inevitable!

[Applause! Applause!]

We will confront the rising cost of health care head on! I am fully aware that the revolutionary health care policies introduced throughout the first term of my presidency are in shambles. But who cares?! I will put forth newer, more revolutionary health care policies that will make it affordable to all Americans. Or not. Maybe. I'm not sure anymore. But who cares?! Power to the people!

[Applause! Applause!]

We will build the prosperity of our country by making the tax cuts permanent and increase the spending on war. Budget deficit? What budget deficit? National debt? What national debt? These are conspiracies created by liberal lefties and dog-eat-dog Democrats to undermine the confidence of the American people during this time of crisis... uhh, Crisis? What crisis? There is uncertainty in people's minds right now. People are uncertain even though the union in this country is strong in support of the war. Union? What union? Haha. No, that's not it. War? What war? Haha. Yeah, that's it.

[Laughter! Applause!]

That is a joke, by the way. I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain but I intend to see it next week with my very burly and very manly vice-president, Mr. Dick Cheney. I hear the movie is about ranchers and cowboys, and I ain't ashamed to say that I am a true-blue American Cowboy by any standards. You know that Dick and this Bush are gonna have a hell of a time at the cinemas next week! Heh heh.

[Laughter! Applause!]

I believe human being and fish can co-exist peacefully, and America needs a military where our breast and brightest are proud to serve. And proud to stay. If you are a single mother with two children, which is the toughest job in America as far as I'm concerned, and you're working hard to put food on your family, really the question to ask: are is our children learning?

[Applause! Applause!]

Too many OB-GYNs are unable to practise their... their love with women all across this country. See, I don't think this should be. There is an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas probably in Tennessee that says, "Fool me once... shame on... shame on you... If you fool me you can't get fooled again."

[Applause! Applause!]

Three words are going to determine the outcome of our economic future. Ladies and gentlemen, the three words are: nuk-u-ler. They will shape the civil liberties of our beloved nation, expedite our wholesome political agenda, defeat the enemy, strengthen the foundations of our imperialism, and basically make this country a great place to live in. Hell, I'm tempted to call it the silver bullet. Repeat after me: nuk-u-ler. Nuk-u-ler! Nuk-u-ler!

[Applause! Applause!]

And so, in my state of the...my state of the union our state my speech... to the nation... my speech to the nation. Whatever you wanna call it. My speech to the nation. Err... God bless America!

[Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause!]

PLAYLIST

The End -- The Doors

Fire Water Burn -- Bloodhound Gang

Born In The USA -- Bruce Springsteen

Attack -- System Of A Down

Bodies -- Drowning Pool

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