long lost ruminations of a nostalgic mind

I sit under a tree and reflect on my life. What is wrong with me today? What is wrong with me all throughout my life? Rhetorical questions that I cannot answer. I think of all the suffering children of the world, and I feel an infinite sadness for them. I have the sudden urge to do something about it. But what?

I look around, seeking desperately for an answer, as if they sprout from the ground. Instead, I am greeted by plastic facets of exasperation. Somehow, I am all too familiar with it. Yet, at the same time, it is frighteningly foreign to me. I try to look away, but the dismal looks linger in my mind. My conscience yearns to reach out to them, to leave myself vulnerable to their penetrating stares and deadly words of scorn, to soothe their hearts, to lull them into tranquil slumber and wake them up to blissful breakfasts and an unperturbed peace of mind.

But as I open my eyes to invite them into my arms, they are already gone. My attempt to embrace them with unbridled love is stopped short by their impatience and insecurities interred deep within their hearts. I have much to learn, I tell myself. I have tried my best for today, I tell myself. My dissatisfaction betrays these self-reassuring words, but I suddenly feel light-headed and not long after, I too, succumb to the inexorable pull of sleep. The skeletal limbs of the dauntingly large tree cast far and wide shadows across the ground on which I lie unconscious.

In my dream, I see streaks of lightning and feel a foreboding sense of danger. My heart begins to palpitate and my forehead drips of cold sweat and a throbbing headache. I see a humanoid figure in the distance, looming into view. First a pale dot, then slowly but surely, a blurry silhouette masked by shuffling smoke. He releases a cackling laughter and points a gaunt finger at me. I feel the urgency to get out of his way as quickly as possible, but my whole body refuses to budge. I lay there, panic-stricken and breathing uncontrollably. He stands so close to me, then bends down to have a closer look at my face. I smell his fetid, reeking breath and his bestial, puke-inducing stench. He smiles confidently, showing the full glory of his needle-like teeth. Then, once again, he lifts a finger; just as the tip of his finger touches the tip of my nose, my eyes pop open.

I awake in a pool of sweat, swivelling my head from left to right to look out for the intruder only to find no one nowhere near me. I gather my thoughts and just as I rise from the ground, the sky reveals flashes of light and darkening clouds. Almost immediately, rain sprinkles down from the heavens above. I walk back to my apartment and relish the solitude of my own room. I wait a while before deciding to do anything, reconfiguring the notions and nuances in my head while snuck comfortably under my thick linen blanket. I stare into the empty wall and form my thoughts there.

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Originally written on a Monday,
April 24, 2000, 6:36 A.M.