performance anxiety

That's what I was trying to say.

I just couldn't get the words out when I was trying to say it. A terrible curse for anyone who has larger-than-life ambitions, but that's what I have -- performance anxiety. The inability to function properly in a desired or expected manner under pressure or stressful conditions. It's probably just a nicer, more medical term for "being chicken", but I'm pretty sure this psychological affliction goes far deeper than that.

Everyone has some form of performance anxiety, in varying degrees. This type of anxiety in moderate amounts can be healthy, as it forces the brain to direct attention, effort and energy to a particular task at hand. But when you're striving for perfection, and anything less won't satisfy, and you're comparing yourself or your work to others or theirs? The level of anxiety becomes ostensibly insurmountable, affecting your judgment and your ability to concentrate, and your mind starts to unravel.

You're getting the jitters, you start doubting yourself, your heart palpitates, your legs start to shake, your palms get sweaty, and you stumble over your words. Sounds familiar? It does to me, because I used to get stage fright. I've learned to overcome that impediment (although not completely, speaking in front of an audience is almost second nature to me now; in fact I welcome the challenge and sometimes take great pleasure in it), but there are a great many other things to have performance anxiety about.

Such as the start-up competition I'm currently devoting myself to. I'm really doubting that I'm good at business or financial matters at all, or even if the idea would work to begin with. Or the creative writing competition I was supposed to submit an entry to (some of my friends even said I would definitely win the top prize, but I wasn't going to be caught up in that hubris), which I didn't. Or the screenplay I was asked to write to be made into a short film, but I got so jittery by the time I was ready to consolidate my ideas into one cohesive script the deadline had passed (the concept was cool, if disparate but it would have been so kick-ass to have a film to call my own, gee, if only).

And that's just the ancillary stuff. Having performance anxiety in things that matter, like in relationships, in the workplace, in the bedroom (but that's another story, which I won't tell!), to name a few. Living up to people's expectations, of what is required of you in all sorts of situations. Don't you just hate that? Kinda makes you wish you could run away and never come back, doesn't it? Well, hold that thought because you still need the money.

One way to cope with performance anxiety (from "Performance Anxiety" by M. Robin) is to "be process-oriented, not product-oriented." Wow, whatever the hell that means. Concentrate in the means, not the ends? Live in the moment, not the future? Fulfillment is in the journey as much as the destination? Hey actually, that's not bad advice.

Not surprisingly, performance anxiety is more often than not caused by cognitive distortions -- irrationality clouding perception and awareness of the real world, amplifying the negative and minimizing the positive, looking at everything from a worst-case scenario perspective. That fits my profile perfectly, which I oughta change (it should make life a lot easier for anyone if they do). Understanding it will require heavy reading, and I'm always up for that.

And so, to end with a cute analogy from someone else,

"An archer competing for a clay vessel shoots effortlessly, his skill and concentration unimpeded. If the prize is changed to a brass ornament, his hands begin to shake. If it is changed to gold, he squints as if he were going blind. His abilities do not deteriorate, but his belief in them does, as he allows the supposed value of an external reward to cloud his vision."

I think that hits it right on the dot.

PLAYLIST

Under Control -- The Strokes

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams -- Green Day

Story Of The Year -- Sidewalks

Way Down The Line -- The Offspring

Black Hole Sun -- Soundgarden